Forever indebted to her
by esteethestrange
Summary: Her body lay broken and bloodied. Her face twisted in pain, but there was no life behind that pain. I had killed enough people to know that the face didn’t always relax its self when the person died."If Edward was to late to save bella from james.AU. RxR!
1. self hatred, glassy eyes and pain

**Please review and tell me if this is any good. Reveiws make me very happy and i update more when i am happy! I tried to make this story have longer chapters as 'somethings never change in forks' had such short chapters. and finally, in case you didnt notice, its in Edwards point of view.**

Her body lay broken and bloodied. Her face twisted in pain, but there was no life behind that pain. I had killed enough people to know that the face didn't always relax its self when the person died. Pain caused though me as I realised Bella had be in horrible for her final minutes, that the last thing she saw was the monster that killed her. I had stayed silent the entire time. I did not touch her. I didn't want to feel her cold skin and not feel blood pumping through her veins. My world was eerily silent now I didn't have her heartbeat to guide me.

Alice entered the ballet studio minutes later. She didn't even hold her breath even though there was a lot of blood. Then I realised, nor was I. the grief and pain running through me was to much for me to handle so I forgot about the unbearable thirst for her blood. Besides, now that she was gone. It wasn't hers anymore. Alice had rushed over to her and touched her face, trying to relax the muscles that were distorted in terror.

I noticed Carlisle had closed her eyes, I wasn't sure if I wanted that way or not. Do I open them to look into the deep brown eyes of my love. Or do I keep them closed because I know all I'll find are the dull, empty, glassy eyes of a deceased human. I let a cry of pain erupt though me. My mind was filled with what ifs. Not just my own, either. Alice was in complete despair and she wondered why she didn't she her best friends dying. And Carlisle was trying to work out if, we got here sooner, he could have resuscitated Bella. Emmett and Jasper had gone to hunt down James, who had escaped as soon as he had killed Bella. Carlisle said, that judging on the blood left over, James probably didn't even feed on her. I felt a wave of disgust for that man that had killed my love for the pure sake of destroying her. And rose and esme were still in Forks and had no idea what was going on.

I looked at my own what ifs, ignoring those of my family.

_What if I had got here sooner?_

_What if I had never left her?_

_What if I had never listened to her stupid plan?_

_What if I had never exposed her like I had no right to do?_

And I couldn't help but think…

_What if I hadn't left her in Alice and Jasper's care?_

_What if they had been more careful?_

_What if Alice had actually seen Bella's plan?_

I felt strong bitterness towards Alice and Jasper. I couldn't help but blame them for a part in Bella's death. I felt like I was lost, like I had nothing anymore. Then I considered how others will feel about Bella's death. Charlie will be broken. Although he didn't say it allowed, he was filled with so much love for his level-minded daughter. The perfect cop's daughter he would joke in his head. He would investigate this until he found the truth, or his version anyway. I knew no matter how hurt I was I couldn't tell Charlie what had happened. Although I wanted to. I wanted to tell him that his daughter was dead because of me, that if she had never met me, she would still be blushing and tripping over today. I wanted to do this so I would have someone who hated me almost as much as I did at the moment.

I wasn't lost by the irony though, The fact that I thought turning her into a vampire would take away her soul. But, in fact keeping her human did the exact same thing. Only instead of her soul being lost, it was now in some form of an afterlife.

I was worried that by keeping her human she would still be able to do all the things that she should have been able to do. Finish high school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids and, eventually, grow old and die with her large family, grandchildren and all surrounding her. But I was kidding myself. There was no way she would have ever had a normal human life with me around. I was stupid and selfish to have involved her in my sick, twisted life where my kind kill humans for food. I had committed many murders, but this one hurt the most, even though I was not the physical murderer, I knew I was responsible for her death.

Carlisle walked towards me, he put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry Edward." He said to me. His voice full of feeling "I'm so, so, sorry." And I knew he was. I could hear his thoughts. He was dealing with his son, who had been alone for so long, only to have his only love die. He was dealing with the fact that a human girl had died unnecessarily. He was dealing with the fact that he felt guilty for not being able to save Bella. Carlisle's thoughts made me feel even guiltier. He was even going as far as feeling guilty for changing me. "It not your fault." I say, referring to his unspoken thoughts.

"It's not yours either" he replied. I didn't argue, I didn't see the point. He would argue back, like any father would, until I was convinced it wasn't my fault.

"Can you… can you open her eyes for me?" I ask.

"Um, yes of course" Carlisle replies

His mind was filled with curiosity.

"I want to be the last thing she sees." I reply simply.

Carlisle didn't mention that she couldn't see me. He realised that this was for my comfort. I wanted to look in her eyes one more time.

They were as I expected. For a short moment, I hoped the would be the deep, chocolate brown eyes that were my only way into her mind. In a way, they still were, they were cold and empty. There was nothing inside them. It did in fact show me what was going though her mind. Nothing.

I reached out and stroked her faces. I let a roar of pain escape my mouth as I felt her cold, hard skin. And the anticipated blush doesn't follow the touch, the way it always did when she was alive. Even though she couldn't hear me, I talked to her. I apologised for everything. And I told her how much I loved her, how I wanted to protect her. How I wished I wasn't dangerous. How I wished I was human, so I colud die just as easily as she did. I felt like I was in Romeo and Juliet. Only I couldn't just use a dagger of a vial of poison. And I couldn't possibly experience the pain Bella suffered. Although I imagined this came close. I had never felt an emotion so strong and painful before. But grief filled my every thought. For a moment I considered staying alive for a few years, just so I could feel the pain and guilt everyday. In a way dying seemed like an easy escape. I stayed alive, I would never be able to escape the pain, I would never escape it through sleep . I would face it every moment of my existence.

But I was selfish; I wanted to be with Bella again. I didn't believe that vampires had an afterlife, but I would do anything to have a chance to see Bella again. Alice gasped and jumped up. In a flash she was at my side. "No, Edward! Please don't! Bella wouldn't have wanted you to do that." She said.

"It's the only way." I replied

"When?" she asked

I didn't know. I wasn't trying to delay my end. In fact I would have welcomed it with open arms. But I was going to make myself feel as much pain as I could for what I had done.

"After the funeral." I answered.

I would go and face all the people who loved Bella. Her friends and family. I would see the cry and I would know I was the cause.


	2. Fire, rain and the meadow

**Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciated them. I will try to update as often as possible. This chapter is shorter because i just had to incorperate the meadow and i wanted this chapter to be JUST about the meadow. Anyway, enjoy!**

I was lost. So, as soon as Carlisle moved Bella's body, I escaped. I went back to the one place I had come to enjoy the most. The place I had met Bella. Forks. I stayed in the forest. I did not go home; I didn't want to face the pleas from esme and the smugness from Rosalie. I still felt angry at Alice and Jasper. They were the ones that let her escape. I also felt envy towards them as well. They were the last people to see Bella alive.

I went first to the meadow. I snapped all the trees around the perfect circular meadow, making it uneven. I spread the dead trunks around the grass. I tore out flowers out by their roots and I lay them with the trunks. I pulled out large chunks of grass and lay them on top of the large pile of wood and wildflowers. I pulled a lighter out of my pocket. I was the one I was going to burn James's broken body with. I set the pile on fire and watched it burn.

The massive flames spreading and reaching the surrounding trees I had not wrecked. I stayed there silent and thought of nothing. I moaned and I screamed. And more than anything, I wished tears would escape my eyelids. It was so hard to be a living stone; I was touched by a human and made to feel human emotions. But had no way of expressing them. Now that Bella had gone, I felt like those human feelings had gone also. I couldn't feel grief or sadness. Everything just felt like an unbearable pain that I had no way of escaping.

Eventually rain started to fall; the fire was starting to go out. I reached out and put my hand into a crevice in the wood. I touch a flame and I felt a small shot of pain, but there was warmth as well. I pulled my hand out from the wood and I promised myself that that small shot of heat would be the last warmth I would fell until I would die.

The fire finally went out completely. The grass was patchy and uneven. Muddy from the rain where I had torn the grass away. There were half broken flowers and scattered petals among the ruined grass. The sky was grey and there were no colours. The once colourful wildflowers were now either stained by mud or burnt. The heap of wood in the centre of the now misshapen meadow was black and ugly. I looked at the lighter.

I was shiny and silver and showed my reflection. My face was paler than ever and my eyes were so dark that they looked like holes. I refused to hunt though. I didn't want to see blood again after seeing Bella's blood stain the ballet studio. With a roar I took the lighter and cast it in the ashes. I took handfuls of the ashes and spread them though the grass. Watching the rain wash the ash from my hands leaving only a small trace of black ash. The rain was washing the ash into various puddles and creating black pools of ash and mud.

I silently turned my back on the meadow. I had now ruined the place were Bella and I had first revealed our feelings. Where she had first touched my with feeling and were I had defeated the monster inside of me. Now that I had killed the meadow and the memories it held, Although I though it would ease the pain, I just doubled it. The monster came back to my mind.

"Are you happy now Edward?" he asked me "Now that you have broken the place that held your strongest memories?" I couldn't defeat the monster this time. Instead I ran of into the forest. Promising myself to never return there again.

**For anyone who cares, im very sorry for destroying the meadow! And if this doesnt make sense, dont worry. it made sense to me but i'm not sure if anyone else will understand it.  
anywaay, I will update soon and i apreciate all the reviews and the people who added this story on story alert or their favourites!**

**Estee.**


	3. News papers, Charlie and a phone call

**It's been a while since I've updated eh? Sorry, its been really busy for me but I should start to update more ** !-- /* Style Definitions */ , , {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} 1 {page:Section1;} -- **regularly.  
Enjoy!  
**

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I went back to the house, as soon as I ran up the drive, Esme engulfed me into a hug. She told me of how sorry she was that she and Rosalie couldn't catch Victoria and how Emmett and jasper were still on the hunt for James. "Alice and Carlisle went hunting to give you some space for when you came back" She said, and then looked at my pained face. Esme's face saddened and she took my hand "I am so truly sorry Edward. I cannot imagine how you feel right now and I hate James for what he has done." Esme said softly but with passion. I knew that she meant it. I had never heard Esme say that she hated anyone before. But if anyone deserved the hate of such a loving person, it was James. I attempted to give Esme a smile, but all that came out was a crooked grimace.

I walked over to the oval dining table, there was a news paper lying on it. I picked it up and glanced at the first page, a shot of pain rocketed through my body. On the front page was a picture of Bella smiling, one of the more recent school pictures that her father had hanging up in his living room. She had looked so beautiful. With my vampire memory I could picture the excact shade of her blush and eyes and I could see her face in my mind but that still didn't ease the shock of seeing her amazing face on the cover of the news paper. Above it was a big headline:

**17 Year Old Girl Brutally Murdered, Body Found in ballet studio. **

I gasped and painfully read through the article**. **

**Yesterday, 17 year old Isabella Swan ****was found in a Phoenix ballet studio by  
her boyfriend's father, Dr Carlisle Cullen, who,after attempts to resuscitate  
her, called the police. A post mortem revealed that the victim was drained  
of almost half her blood and had suspicious cuts on her arms and neck. She  
also suffered major blows to the head and chest. Glass was found in the large  
cuts to her head, arms and chest. She had a severely broken leg that was caused by  
something very heavy being thrown or dropped on the victim's leg. Very little  
evidence was found at the scene and as there are no witnesses, police have no  
suspects but are warning all people to be careful when around fifty-eight  
Street and Cactus and to report and sightings of suspicious activity…**

I stopped reading. I knew that this would embarrass Bella, she hated attention and would cringe at the sight of her face on the front page of the news paper. Esme came over and, noticing the paper in my hands, quickly took it from me, swiftly ripping it into tiny pieces.

The phone rang minutes later. Although it felt like hours, every minute did. I was surrounded with guilty, sad and worried thoughts. Mainly for me as Esme had already guessed my plan to go to the volturi, Although she said nothing.

Esme came back with the phone in her hands.

"That was Charlie." She almost whispered. "He wants to know what happened."

"He thinks that I did it" I concluded

"He's demanding that you call him, that if you don't, he will bring the entire forks police force into our house and trash it till he finds something."

"There are only three policemen in forks" I said "And I don't know what to say to him."

"Tell him anything." Esme said "Tell him she didn't die in pain, he needs to find closure."

"His daughter has just died because of me." I almost growled "I am not going to lie to him."

She handed me the phone "tell him anything." She said kindly "Tell him the truth. We will move tonight and no one will believe him if he tells someone. Do what you feel is best."

I frowned. It wasn't as if my judgement was any good. It was my judgement that got Bella killed. I looked at the phone in my hands. I slowly dialled Charlie's home phone number, and Bella's, I thought sadly. Charlie would be home from work now. I heard the ringing and then the phone being picked up and for a wishful moment I imagined Bella answering. Instead it was the gruff and sad sounding voice of her father.

"Hello?" He said

"Um, Hello, this is…" I muttered nervously. But he cut me off.

"I know who you are!" He shouted. "You are the… Monster that killed my daughter!"

"I didn't kill Bella." I said, it almost sounded like a lie.

"Don't even say her name you liar." He began to cry "You you've taken my daughter away from me."

There was something so strange about hearing a man cry. It makes me realise how much he's lost, how much I've taken. It makes me feel so guilty, I want him to yell at me again. His cries are to painful, because I know that I've caused them.

"She was all I had." He cried "She will never go to college or even celebrate turning eighteen."

"Why did you do it?" he yelled. Getting angrier "Why… How could you do it!"

"I didn't do it." I said quietly

Charlie moaned in pain and hung up the phone. I shuddered pain and sadness flowing through me. Crying without tears.

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**I dont do song recomemdations often but one song thats really helped my write this story is _Bittersweet by Within Temptation_  
A little quote from the song that I love is:  
_"A bitter thought, I had it all, But I just let it go"_  
Thanks for the reviews and also anyone whos favourite this story or my. I love you and thanks for the support!  
More soon  
xoxo  
Estee**


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